When I found out I was pregnant with my fourth, I was ecstatic! Maybe this one would be the long-awaited girl I wanted. My first three were boys, so working the odds, I should get a girl. In the meantime, I had divorced my husband and found the one man who would actually put up with my craziness. It's not an easy road, especially for him, but it works just fine for me. I'm sort of selfish at heart, though, so, if it works for me, well, it works for me. End of story.
Anyway, my excitement expanded when I found out it really was a girl! "Are you fucking shitting me?" I asked the technician.
"No, um, I'm serious," she stuttered. Maybe she wasn't used to such profanity as I use on a daily basis. "Look at the ultrasound, you can see, right there, no penis. It's definitely a girl."
"That looks like a penis. What is that line?"
"That's not a penis. Those are her labia lips. It's definitely a girl."
"What's that? That looked like a penis to me!"
"No, that's her umbilical cord."
"Are you sure! Sorry, I'm just in shock! A girl, wow! ... Can you print me that page, with her labia lips showing? I'm definitely putting that in her picture album!" I'm sure my mini-me won't thank me later, but oh well. The tech printed it off, looking at me like I was psycho. I'm used to it, but the honey smoothed it over, with a whispered explanation about a long-awaited girl.
My honey told me he didn't really want to be there for the birth. I was a little shocked at first, I mean, isn't it every guy's dream to hold his little daughter when she first comes into the world, maybe cut the umbilical or something? Then I realized, that was my ex-husband's thing, wanting to cut the cord, etc.
I thought about it, talked to my mom about it, talked to his mom about it, and decided that he's an adult, and if he doesn't want to be there, he didn't have to be there. No problem, I've done this before, when it gets close to time, I'll send him to get me McDonald's or something. Up until this time, my hardest labor had been my first, at 18 hours. By now, this'll be old hat, right?
Three months later, with my due date looming, I got an ... inkling that things wouldn't go as smoothly as I had hoped. I go into labor on a Wednesday. I have contractions all of Thursday, but although they are about ten minutes apart, they don't become regular.
By Friday, I'm worried. I go into the hospital. I tell them something is wrong, it's not supposed to take this long. They check me, yes, I'm in labor, but I'm not dilating. They call the doctor, who sends me home, and tells me to come in Monday for my scheduled inducement. I leave and labor all weekend. Monday I come in, long story short, I never dilated, but was completely effaced. The nurse told me that it was a good thing I didn't move much, or it would have ruptured, and we both would have bled to death. It was a simple fix to a simple problem, one which my doctor knew about, but sent me home anyway! What an ass!
She asked if I wanted pain medicine. "Uhmm, yeah! At this point, I would take anything. Got a hammer? Hit me in the head!" Well, they didn't hit me in the head with a hammer, instead I got an epidural. My first. And let me tell you, epidurals rock! I told one of my friends later, I went from 'natural birth' to 'knock me out' in 96 hours. How about we call it 'five days to complete sanity.'
Two hours later, delivery was close, and I sent my honey away. Then it became a little creepy - the nurses all became "anti-baby-daddy" instantaneously. How dare he leave! And be born with a dick! The nurse probably would have lynched him if he returned too soon. If he didn't want to be there for the actual birth itself, could I really blame him? Really, if I didn't have to be there, I wouldn't, but by definition, I'm sort of necessary. If it makes you feel any better, I told him he could have the next one, and I'd even make sure he got an epidural. (Strangely enough, he didn't find this funny. Huh. Go figure.) And if I didn't blame him, they sure as fuck shouldn't! But I was feeling no pain, did I mention that epidurals rock?
My cousin arrived with her 11 month old son, and she was there through the birth. She's a nurse, so she wasn't grossed out, and I had just been there when she was in labor with her son. She said it was way better watching than participating and I agreed. New plan, next time, I wouldn't participate, I would watch instead. I'm down with that plan. Did I mention epidurals rock?
96 hours of labor, and my first baby girl was born. That's five days of labor. She was my longest labor, my most painful labor. The bitch. It's an old wives tale that the harder the birth, the easier the child. Well, that's a big, fat, screaming lie, and if I ever find those old wives...well, let's just say they won't get an epidural. And evidently my most headstrong child was also my hardest labor. Well, at least until the youngest takes her title from her. And yes, I still have the ultrasound picture. I'm saving it to embarrass her on her first date.
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