List of Toddler 'Tells'

Tonight my youngest daughter (2 ½) decided that it was time her opinions and attitudes were taken into account. They have two large toy boxes in their room that she dumps out, turns on its side, and jumps on it like a trampoline. I don't have to tell you how dangerous that is, and since taking the toy boxes out would result in mass toy hysteria, cats and dogs living together, instead I have to try to get the concept of 'No!' across to her. This is important, she could get hurt, and anything that could hurt her qualifies her for spankings in my book.

I set this up with my older daughter, using the time-tested and true method of 'tattle-tale-ness' to find out what she's doing, and when she's doing it. My 4 year old took to this like a duck to water, since most of the time she's tattling on her sister anyway: "Mommy, Baby Sisser took my toy out of my hand!" or "Mommy, Baby Sisser is drinking from my sippy cup!" or even "Mommy, Baby Sisser took off her shirt!" (That one may come in handy later, that's something I definitely will want to know when she's 14 or so.) I heard her yell from her bedroom, "Mommy, Baby Sisser is jumping on the toy box again!" no less than 10 times.

Each time I ran in, and if she was just dumping the box, I gave her my stern face (what I call the 'frowny' face) and told her, "No, Daphne! Don't mess with that toy box!" And if she was actively jumping on it, I spanked her bottom. I probably spanked her 4 out of the 10 times. Here's the kicker - each time she laughed. She laughed. She fucking laughed! At me! I know she has a diaper on, but still, it had to at least startle her. Most times when toddlers wearing diapers are spanked, they cry out of surprise. Not this little shit, she laughed!

The last time I went in, she was climbing on the toy box, and when she saw me, she started to climb down. You absolutely can not tell me she didn't understand! She knew all right, or she wouldn't have tried to get down. That is number three of the six signs of toddler guilt right there, which proves to me she knew I would not want her doing it! So I popped her on the butt, moved the toy box back, and told her (with my angry face on) "No!"

Do you know what she did? This little... child started dancing! Standing right in front of me, she started fucking dancing, swinging her hips, and laughing - the whole nine yards! @!#$%^&!!! I just stare at her, while trying to maintain the mean-mugging face, and she reached up, grabbed the sides of my face, and kissed me! Then she laughed again, and kissed me again. Un-fucking-believe-able!

That was it! I had to leave the room, because after she laughed at me all evening, I was not going to let that 2 year old get the better of me by smiling myself! You may have won this skirmish, child, but I will win this war! I will burn those toy boxes if I have to, she is not, absolutely not, winning this! I have to get a better game face going though! I think it's time to potty train her....


Now, for those of you un-versed in toddler wiles, here you go:

Your Toddler Understands "No" When He/She:

1) Attempts to discard the evidence, such as throwing the remote to the floor when she is not supposed to be chewing on it. This also includes placing the object or items in question in her mouth to hide it and/or eat it when you walk in the room, and when she hides her hands behind her back when you walk into a room (If you ask her what she has, and she can talk, she'll say, "Nothing."

2) Hides behind the couch/beside the bed/under the table, and they were not playing 'Hide and Seek.' This is also one of the signs a toddler is ready for potty training, specifially when they keep getting placed on the toilet / potty chair to "do their business" but don't actually potty or poo, and then go and hide in a corner somewhere and squat. If she's hiding, she knows she has done something she was not supposed to do.

3) Stops doing the No-No action as soon as she sees you. This means that she wouldn't have done it in front of you, because she knows she's not supposed to do it.

4) Waits until your back is turned, and immediately touches whatever-it-is. Sometimes you just need to do a "Crazy Ivan." (If you don't know what that is, check Wikipedia. I'm not a fucking encyclopedia, there are computers for that.) Toddlers hate "Crazy Ivans."

5) Starts crying as soon as you say, "No," rather than after you have physically removed the forbidden object from him. This actually means he was directly ignoring your no-no rules and took the shit anyway!

6) Runs out of any room you walk into. That means he's got something he's not supposed to have. (Unless you're a jackass and beat the child senseless on a semi-regular basis. If that's the case, then he'll probably run regardless and this rule for guilt is null/void.)