Pie-der

I'm not quite sure how it happened, but my youngest child (2) has discovered a new pastime that she seems to enjoy more than chocolate milk - making Mommy jump in fear. I know it might be frickin hilarious to a two-year old, but to me, it's ... Ok, it's still hilarious. What?

The Divisible Dog

Some kids are whiny. And too easily upset. Case in point: a 4-going-on-14 year old girl. I routinely say normal things that cause sudden, unexpected crying fits in my "toddler pre-premenstrual" mini me. Seriously, what normal kid cries uncontrollably when their mom tells them to change clothes? She and I will start off with a normal conversation, then BAM! She sprials into a whiny, teary, crybaby, seemingly out of the blue! She might as well turn into a diaper - leaky and full of shit.

Even Hell-Spawn Have To Sleep Sometime

Well, my fantastic, peaceful "golden days" of bringing order out of the living room chaos are officially gone, flushed down the toilet like the shit and toothbrushes flushed by my youngest mini-me, or "Spawn" as I (lovingly) think of her. I know the "terrible twos" are supposed to be bad, but never, and I do mean NEVER has any of my offspring been this downright ... ornery. It all started a few weeks ago...

Escape!

Yesterday is a day that will forever live in my memory as the day my youngest daughter slipped her leash, caused mass chaos and hysteria, yelling and screaming (it wasn't just me either) and pretty much freaked Mommy the fuck out – she made it over the gate several times. (And under twice.) Let me back up and explain:

The Know-It-All

I should write a book: Stupid-Ass Conversations With A Four Year Old "Know-It-All." I could make millions, maybe get a TV show. Or a sanity check. SACWAZAFYOKIA. It even has a (somewhat) snazzy acronym, I can picture SACWAZAFYOKIA plastered across billboards everywhere, with people saying, "Sack was a eff why o'kia?" Catchy, huh? Now just try getting that shit out of your head. Go ahead. I'll wait.

The Right Path

I went to pick up the boys at their dad's house yesterday, and my little mini-me decided that she wanted to come with me "to the brudders house" as she calls it. They live a short 30 minute drive away, so I get some good music time (and talking time) with the munchkin if I take her along. We discuss rhyming words, and numbers, and philosophy (stranger danger, the benefits of doing what Mommy tells you do to, and my tried-and-true favorite: how much she likes/hates pizza and has always liked/hated pizza at any given moment.) And no road trip would be complete without singing chick songs (Lady Gaga is currently her favorite, but P!nk is a close second.)

It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown! (AKA The Miracle Baby)

I was talking to my mother the other day, and she mentioned she had been reading my posts (and strangely, wasn't upset.) She said that she remembered when all these things I write about happened, and that one of her co-workers was impressed with the lie about boys that didn't eat vegetables turning into girls, and thought it was super-creative. "You remember that?" I asked her, and she also remembered something else - it worked. "Wow, you're right, I totally forgot that it worked! They ate all kinds of vegetables for months!" She also mentioned that in the post about our telephone conversations, I had left one out, and asked me to tell it because it was so funny. And so I am, the funny parts, and the not-so-funny parts.