Do you ever wonder how many times over the length of your childrens' lives you will lie to them? I started thinking about this after the last post, and I wondered how bad of a mom was I that I lied to my kids. But then I finished thinking: I know I've lied to my kids several times (Yes, Mommy does have eyes in the back of her head, that's how I knew you were grabbing that cookie, honey!) but mostly about totally inconsequential things or, conversely, things that may have great impact in their lives if they make the wrong decision.
I made a rule to tell them the truth about important things, like morals (that truth is better than dishonesty, and yes, irony is also important) and personal beliefs. If I lie, it's usually about small stuff when they're young, and usually only to dodge a totally unwarranted argument: No that was the last cookie, there are no more, and four cookies is enough for anyone. Well, and about having kids. Seriously, who tells their kids that having kids sometimes sucks? No one, that who!
Some lies are necessary, and some aren't, but I think all parents lie at some point:
1) Eat your vegetables, otherwise you'll become a girl when you grow up. Yes, that's what happened to Mommy, I was a little boy who didn't eat his vegetables. (What? I told this to my middle son and he believed me! Then I was insulted. I only told this lie ONCE, because this one bit me in the ass big-time!)
2) You can't have children until you're thirty, it's against the law. (Well, it should be a law, in my opinion. If I had a dollar for all the things I learned between child #1 and child #5, I wouldn't have to work. I've told this to ALL of my boys. Y'know, just in case... and on a related note, someone (either their dad or step-mom) told my two oldest (16-almost-17, and 15) they couldn't buy condoms until they were 18, which I quickly told them wasn't true. And a side note to my ex-husband, should you ever read this: Are you fucking nuts?!?! Do you want grandchildren that badly, you moron! Keeping them from condoms will not keep them from having sex, only keep them from having safe sex! ARGH!
3) No, the skin's the best part of the apple, honey. It makes your hair beautiful. Don't you want beautiful hair? (This one was to my vain oldest daughter. And under the same heading, sandwich crusts make you prettier. Doesn't everyone know that? I just figured everyone knew that. What?)
4) Everyone has to go to college, it's the law. (I've told this one to ALL of my school-age kids once they've gotten over the first rosy blush of I-love-school and asked that eternal question, "When are you done going to school?" I remember an article or story about a family who had three kids and all of them attended college. When asked how they did it, the parents stated that they just always led their children to believe that they would go to college from the time they were small children. I believe it works, because the three oldest (boys) have plans to attend college.)
5) Mommy can tell when you're lying, so don't even bother. (Yep, the four oldest have all gotten this speech from me. Now that the boys play poker, I explained about 'tells' but I still don't tell them what their individual tells are. That would be stupid of me, now wouldn't it? Otherwise, they might win at poker, and take more of my money. Or lie with impunity.)
6) Grandma's birthday is today and we need to wish her a happy 60th birthday! Oh, and she'll try to tell you she's only 50, but that's because she's nervous that she's getting older. You should tell her that she isn't old at all, ok? (That was for a joke, and it was freakin hilarious! It took my mother three weeks to convince them she wasn't 60! This one doesn't fall into the two aforementioned categories, but TOTALLY ok for the joke value, right?)
7) I have eyes in the back of my head, so that I can watch you when my back's turned. (This one only works until they figure out what mirrors are, or learn to make less sound. I personally wish this one lasted longer.)
8) It's not going to hurt hardly at all. (A mixed lie, mostly used for Band-Aids. And before some judgemental mom tells me that I should tell her the truth, I'll say this: Why don't you try to catch her! She's a fast little shit and I'm out of practice.)
9) Black holes are not going to swallow the earth. (No one else ever got this one, you say? Odd, I've gotten this from two kids. Life isn't fair sometimes...)
This one may be the truth, it may be a lie, but regardless, I will share this little pearl of wisdom: If you happen to work nights, catching sleep as you can on the couch in the living room, and usually choose the Science Channel to fall asleep to, don't let your 4-year-old lie down with you and watch TV, because evidently the guy who explains science and shit explains physics and other "scientific-topics-that-would-scare-a-preschooler" (let's just bring up for instance, BLACK HOLES!) so completely that even a fucking four-year-old can understand it! Ain't that a kick in the shorts! Here I've finally gotten her mostly over her nightmares about zombies, and now she has nightmares about black fucking holes!
And here's a fucked up side effect: I'm not sure if I should be proud that she can explain that a black hole is a star like our sun (only bigger) that grew old and collapsed, or upset that I not only have to calm her normal childhood fears, but EOTWAWKI fears, too! WTF? Damnit Diana, I'm a mommy, not a physicist!
Which reminds me, I also probably shouldn't let her watch Star Trek anymore either ... Not for a few years yet I guess, or until her "black hole fears" are forgotten with new issues. Well, shit! There goes our "Mommy-and-Me" time. I wonder if TruTV has good morning shows...
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