Potty Training

My 4-year-old child is mostly potty trained (and in my head, I hear Billy Crystal from The Princess Bride.) 'Mostly potty-trained' equals 'mostly trying.' If someone asks her if she has to go potty, she'll go in the bathroom and go potty, than call, "Mommy, I need you!" which translates into, "Mommy, come wipe my ass!" This is my life, ass-wiper extraordinaire. Yay. (And by the way, even 'number ones' require my butt-wiping expertise, because if I don't she'll use a whole damn roll to wipe some pee off her ... female parts. Side note: I agonized for over a year over what to call her female parts. I polled my friends and colleagues on what 'that area' was to be called, since I didn't want to use 'twat' or 'va-jay-jay' to my first little mini-me. I actually waited so long that she ended up calling it her 'front' because she just didn't have any frame of reference to call it. We/I settled on 'crevice' as in 'cracks and crevices.' How sick is that?)

So, morning routine: I get home, let each dog out (separately,) make coffee, change clothes, and go to the bathroom all by myself (because God only knows when I'll get to go into the bathroom alone again! Bullets would probably be easier to dodge than my children.) By this time, the munchkins are awake, so I find their sippy cups (windowsill and toybox usually) change the baby's diaper, and get her breakfast around. Then I go back in the girls' room and tell Diana to stop pretending she's asleep. "Where are your pants, child?" As if I didn't see them lying on the floor next to her bed.

"Is Daddy here?" she asks me, still huddled under the covers. Daddy yells at her when she potties in her pants, especially if she took off her Pull-up in the middle of the night.

"No, Daddy already left to go to work."

"I had an accident, Mommy," she whispers at me. Like this doesn't happen every day! (And I'm thinking in my head, An accident is something that happens while you're sleeping, and taking off your Pull-up means you thought about going potty enough to remove the Pull-up, then stand in front of the toy box and pee yourself. How is that an accident? That's sounds like 'intent' to me! But I don't say it, I'm pretty cranky in the mornings.)

And I tell her the same thing every morning, "Well, go in the bathroom, go potty in the potty chair, and put your dirty clothes in the laundry chute. Don't forget to throw your Pull-up away, and then we'll get you some new pants."

She also has to announce her potty-chair needs, ("I feel like I have to go potty!" she'll sing out from her bedroom.) Then wait for a response ("Then go potty!" her dad and I yell in unison) before she acts on them, ("Mommy, I need you!") which seriously delays her 'potty-training achievements.' "You know, pumpkin, you don't have to tell us each time you have to go potty, just go ahead and go."

"Ok, Mommy," she tells me. But each time, she yells out, "I feel like I have to go potty!" and each time, we yell back, "Then go potty!"

Lately though she's actually been going potty when she wakes up, instead of waiting to let us know. And her pull-up is dry. Amazing! Maybe she is getting closer to actually being potty-trained, and not 'mostly' potty-trained.

"Mommy, I need you!"

Well, 'mostly' potty trained is mostly good. Right?