Poo Et Al

This next subject is a little ... strange.

Toddler poop habits. Yes, toddler poo. Maybe I'm strange, but with each of my kids, I have never been able to avoid noticing their poo as I change their diapers, and remarking on abnormities. I picked up this habit when my youngest son was in diapers, because he bit a toy, got a hunk off of it, and we had to watch his diapers for about a week to make sure he passed it. (Yes, the 'old wives' tale' about being able to pass a LEGO is true. As is the one about DUPLO's, FYI.)

That's when I discovered that my boy was like the goose who shit the golden egg! I found all kinds of change (dimes, quarters, pennies) when I changed his diaper because he was sticking them down his diaper! (In case you were wondering: dimes, yes, pennies, sometimes, quarters, no.) See, somewhere in his toddler brain, he had decided that since I was looking for something, and appeared disappointed when I didn't find whatever I was looking for, he would help me out. So he stuck toys, change, and other "found objects" down his pants, which I then 'discovered' in his diaper and made lots of noise! Don't ask. Really. I'm just glad he was too young to understand swear words, or repeat them at inoppotune times. Incidentally, I found out he was allergic to red dye #5 this way when I changed his diaper and there was RED POO all through his pants! I thought he might be bleeding internally, but when I rushed him to the doctor, he said no, not blood. He just wasn't digesting red dye #5. Phew! Same thing with blue and/or green poo, no blue or green dyes, respectively. Did you know that if you don't digest red dye, your shit turns the color of arterial spray? I didn't either. So yeah, I'm a poo-watcher for good reason. My heart rate did eventually return to normal.

"What did you feed this baby for lunch?" I asked last week, as I'm gagging on the putrefied smell of evil emanating from a small package. The diaper, not the baby. "How does all this shit come from such a small package?" Seriously, I think she swallowed a Bag of Holding, and is slowly emptying it in her diaper. No one believes me, though.

"Grapes and the normal stuff, why?"

"No reason, just wondering." Woo, that's a stinker. Note to self, find other fruit that doesn't smell like rotten death after it's gone through the digestive tract. Next time, I'm setting her sippy cup next to Daddy, so when she reaches for it, he thinks she wants picked up. (Our little game, which we lovingly call, Who touched her last? is what we use to determine who gets to change her diaper, since he always beats me at rock-paper-scissors, which is a fucking game of chance! I should win at least half of the time! As it turns out, babies (and anything associated with babies) don't understand statistics, and evidently know nothing of odds. Stupid statistics! Hmm. I have to teach her to play odds, too! It figures. Does nothing come naturally to babies anymore?

In this game, though, I have an advantage, because she absolutely adores Daddy and he's always her first choice to climb up on. Bonus! "You touched her last, you get the diaper!" I cackle happily, which means that I refill sippy cups, not suffocate on the smell of rancidness. Yes, CPS-judgmental-person, I had to make a game of it, because after 5 kids, no thinking person describes diaper-changing as "fun" in any way, shape or form. Well, not a sane thinking person, at least, and I still sort of call myself "sane." For now. Only history will bear out whether or not I'm correct. But I digress...

I've even got my honey's mom to play the What the fuck does yellow shit mean? game, too. For a while, back when her Grandma was watching her every day, her bowel movements were a source of concern, since she only shit once every other day or so (oh, I so miss the days when not all baby formula was iron-enriched!) and the best the doctor could tell me to use was prune juice, which cleared it right up (as long as she would drink it) so that problem was solved, but now that she's not on formula, her daily hide-in-a-corner-and-grunt times have increased gradually to 3 (or more) times per day.

So now, I have to ask: how many times a day should a toddler go "two-sies" and completely saturate her diaper to the point where the diaper is just begging to burst at the slightest touch? Can her 3 times a day be healthy? I know kids in general can get dehydrated from diarrhea, so I tend to count her poo-filled diapers, looking for a tell-tale liquidity. I know, I've heard the statistics (from her dad): that a person with healthy bowels should go after each meal, but seriously, who shits that much?! I angst daily over bowel movements, so I must be neurotic, right? Too much, too little, too often, to seldom... when does it end? Or does it?

My honey told me not to worry, he goes at least 3 times a day. What?! "Well," I tell him, dangling her sippy cup over his shoulder, "we know where she gets her shit from then, don't we?" She runs to his arms to reach for the sippy cup, and he picks her up.

"You touched her last!" I yell as I dart away. If I'm too slow, he tricks me when she reaches for me. I'm a sucker for Hol' me, hol' me hol' me! spoken in a toddler voice, it fucks me every time, and I get the rancid-baby-byproducts. Not today, though, HA! I have outsmarted them both, so there!

"Oh, and I fed her bananas, pickles, and yogurt for lunch today. Have fun with that! How 'bout some prune juice, pumpkin?"