I Wish I Could...

My four-year-old has started the most annoying fucking habit ever in the history of 4-year-olds - instead of actually asking for something (e.g. "Mommy, may I have a cookie please?") or asking-as-a-statement (e.g. "Mother Dearest, I would like to have a cookie.") I get a wistful, wishy-washy, frustrated, bourgeoisie-esque wishful statement: "I wish I had a cookie..." while sighing sadly and looking far off into distant lands, as though someday her hero would come and bring her a fucking cookie!

Well, fuck that! I've told her over and over, one (as in any-fucking-normal-person) doesn't simply wish for something, then wait for it to fall in one's lap like manna from heaven. "If you want something pumpkin, ask. Maybe you'll get it, maybe you won't, but in this house, we have a strict 'no-free-lunch-also-known-as-no-wish-fulfillment' policy. If you don't ask for it, you don't get it."

In my more tired moments, I even repeat that memorable phrase, "Wish in one hand and shit in the other, see which one fills up quickest," before I kind of wake up and realize exactly who I'm talking to. She doesn't get it though anyway - What did you say, Mommy? as I quickly say, Never mind, sweetie! To me, she has stumbled almost entirely on accident on the easiest way to irritate the piss out of me in a heartbeat. What kind of daughter am I raising when she WISHES FOR COOKIES?!?!?! I am woman, hear me .... wish for a fucking cookie and wait for someone else to provide it? NOW would take my membership card (not that I have one. Anymore, that is.)

And she says it for eh-ver-ee-thing! "I wish I could go outside...." as I take the dogs out to pee. "I wish I could play on your screen (iPad) ...." as I'm blogging. (Ok, reading. Whatever! It's mine, and I don't like to share, ok?) "I wish I had a tomato...." as I'm biting into a juicy tomato after feeding her a 3-course meal! Really? When I asked you if you wanted some tomatos with dinner, you said no, but now that I'm enjoying my dinner, you "wish" you had one? REALLY?

"I wish I could play the Wii...." (You wish that? Well, you know what? Go do it! You know how to turn it on AND set it up - everything! If you "wish" to play, fucking go play it! and this is followed by a mental scream AAAHHHRRRRGGGGG!!!! because there is no way I can say any of this out loud and not emotionally scar her for life. Well, not yet anyway.)

"I wish I could wear a dress...." Yeah, well, I wish you you wouldn't potty in your pants, then your favorite dress wouldn't need washed. Also not said for fear of membership in the "emotionally scarred for life" club.

HUUUGEEE sigh, "I wish I could go to Nana and Poppa's house......" Well, you just came home, and Mommy missed you. You'll have the rest of your adult life to run to Nana bitching about me, so let me enjoy the relatively stress-free times for now.

"I wish I could sit on your lap...." Awwwwe!

Well, shit. She got me. "Ok, honey, climb on up." I wish I could teach her to be a stronger woman...