Tonight I went through my normal routine for work - I showered, washed my hair (and everything else,) wrapped up in a towel, and put my contacts in. I was running late, so I quickly plugged my curling iron in and the hairdryer (all kept in a special place in the bathroom where prying toddler fingers hopefully won't mess with them) and pulled out my make-up to put it on while the curling iron heated up.
And that's when I found out what my darling mini-me had done: She got into my make-up again! It's gone, all gone! My eye shadow ($5) my lip stain (all six of them = about $55) my super-duper-wrinkle-cover-up set ($30) my Kabuki brush ($4) my eyeliners (~$15) and my lip liners ($5 for both.) Other various make-up items are also missing, including tweezers and lip gloss, and I suddenly understood why child abuse is legal in third world countries - it's for the make-up, right?
I knew I had taken my contacts out that morning around 10 or so and the make-up had still been there (next to where I keep my glasses, FYI) so she had to have gotten the crap after I went to sleep, but before I started getting ready for work. I yelled for my honey (who was assigned to Gestapo-slash-babysitting duty while I was sleeping today. Hello, I work nights, remember?) and for Diana. The little minx was hiding, and I had her dad come out and take care of her and find my make-up, because God help her if I got a hold of her right now. Sometimes the hardest part about being a parent is NOT spanking. Am I right or am I right?
He was one room away the entire time I was sleeping, so from whom did my daughter get her ninja stealth skills? And I had just seen her when I woke up around 6, tickled her belly, grabbed her nose (making her cry-go figure!) She didn't act like she had a "make-up surprise" planned in her room (or look like it, either, since she wasn't covered in tell-tale slashes of lip stain.) Yet when her dad got my make-up back and I looked at her, sure enough she had a streak of Mulberry lip stain across her upper lip! So she had the make-up all day, but ... didn't use it until after it was bedtime? Huh, that's strange, almost like she ... nah, she's only four.
I grabbed my make-up (muttering things that would have curled her hair the whole time,) cleaned it up as best as possible, and tried to finish getting ready for work. Well, the Mulberry lip stain doesn't look too bad, I said to myself, maybe if I just wipe the applicator.... Then I put the applicator back in, pulled it out, and got a huge clump of hair. OMG, DID SHE PUT IT IN HER HAIR?! I could feel my blood pressure rising quickly... What does an aneurysm feel like? I think I'm popping a blood vessel just remembering it!
I asked her dad to find out when she did it, and it turns out she got into it right after I fell asleep, but before lunch. Hmm, that's strange, because right before I went to sleep, she's the one who reminded me to put my glasses on when I "changed my eyeballs" as she puts it, which is what she calls it when I take out my contact lenses. I wonder ... could she have been thinking about getting into my make-up when she told me that... no, she's only four, there's no way... is there? Because seriously, if that's the case, it would mean that she has the capability to plan something, execute the plan, and then hide her criminal actions ... Now wait just a fucking minute! She did plan this! Oh no! And a criminal mastermind is born.
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