Things My Mother Said

My mom is going to hate this post, but it's ok, I think I'll live. She has a tendency to freak me out, then go on as if it's business as usual. I totally hate that, so I tend to get even.

First story: I'm pregnant for my first child. She called me to see how I'm doing, and I told her I'm finally holding down food and not barfing as much, and my premature labor seemed to have slowed down, and my ankles weren't as swollen as they had been the first six months. She brings up someone I went to high school with: "Do you remember such-and-such?" After telling her I didn't, she asks if I know who he married, and I of course didn't. "Well, they just got married last year, and she was pregnant with their first child. She went into premature labor in her seventh month from pre-eclampsia, and they couldn't stop the labor."

List of Toddler 'Tells'

Tonight my youngest daughter (2 ½) decided that it was time her opinions and attitudes were taken into account. They have two large toy boxes in their room that she dumps out, turns on its side, and jumps on it like a trampoline. I don't have to tell you how dangerous that is, and since taking the toy boxes out would result in mass toy hysteria, cats and dogs living together, instead I have to try to get the concept of 'No!' across to her. This is important, she could get hurt, and anything that could hurt her qualifies her for spankings in my book.

Dieting (AKA Food Management)

So we're in week two of 'The Diet' and strangely enough, I feel both hungry and full at the same time, which, if you think of it, is quite an oxymoron! (Dr. Poole is right, you're an ox, and a moron! That movie rocks! So many big-name stars!) Small meals (well, small to me is normal To everyone else, right?) and small snacks every 2-3 hours. I have never eaten so much! And yet, conversely, been hungry at the same time. Weird, huh?

High Maintenance vs Princess-ness

My daughter walks up while I'm watching History Channel and asks me how fish die. "Well, fish can die if they don't get water, because they breathe water, so if they stay in air, they die. And if you're fishing...well fish can die in other ways, too." I ended lamely. I am not talking about cutting off fish heads to my four-year-old, but sometmes my mouth goes faster than my brain.

Blame Game

My youngest son is eleven, and has a bit of a weight problem. He has a perfectly legitimate reason in my eyes - he's allergic to cats, his step-mom has cats and refuses to get rid of them, so he's on an inhaled steroid and a daily allergy pill to control his allergies. You know, so he doesn't die or anything. (Bitch! Scream it at the screen with me. Have your toast handy a la Rocky Horror Picture Show.) Anyway, re-cap: 1) Steroids can make you gain weight, 2) he takes a steroid daily, so 3) he might end up a little chubby, with boy-boobs and a spare tire. I get it, and I don't let his brothers tease him about his weight, but I can tell it gets to him. He no longer swims without a T-shirt because he's self-conscious.

Pribacy, Please!

This morning, "Crazy" (AKA Diana, 4 years old) and I had a discussion. Now, I understand that having a discussion with a four year old is kind of like arguing with a mirror, or talking to an Echo (she moves her head like me, she puts her hand on her hip like me, she repeats the last word of every sentence I utter. I'm telling you, those Greek story-tellers were talking about a toddler when they passed on the tale about Narcissus and Echo, I just know it!)

Boobies Act II

My honey and I are thinking about a going on a diet. Actually, he's thinking he'll change my mind, and I'm thinking this time next year, I'll be pre-babies-body. We'll see. We've tabled the discussion for now, but in another week I'll bring it up again. And again. And again. Weight loss through Chinese Water Torture might just work. So, we're sitting in the living room in between 'discussions' when my little intuitive (or lucky) child popped in with her opinion: